the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
