just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
