he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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