If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
