We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
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