can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
