I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
