I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Randomize
