I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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