Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
