I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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