Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
