Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Randomize
