Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
