wat bout pragnant strippers??
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
she told me i tasted like america
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Randomize
