okay pat passed out under dana's car
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
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