I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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