question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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