GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
