you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
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