Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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