You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
