I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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