the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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