My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
