P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
His hands were made for my vagina.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
