dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
