god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
how does that bad decision feel?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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