I haven't been this sober since birth.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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