explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Randomize
