did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
