So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Randomize
