im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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