I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize