She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Can you bring me the toilet please
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
