i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Randomize
