You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
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