I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
