Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
