I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize