Yo dont text me then not text me
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Randomize
