matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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