Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
