why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
The feeling are messing with the penis
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I need a beard to bite.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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