Your face is a jimmy john
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
