i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
