Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
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