I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
