i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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