My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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