I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
You left your underwear on the fireplace
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
