I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Four minutes until I can fart!
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
