Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Randomize
