It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize