My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
