Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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