I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Randomize
