I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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