You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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