She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
