I just pynch a tree in the face
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
