I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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