Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Randomize
