My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
