Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
