Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
