I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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