Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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