you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
